An Unsolicited Personal Story from a Father
Nick’s Story
I’m Nick and I’ve got two smashing kids, Ben 5, and Nancy 7 and now I see them every two weeks at Shrewsbury Contact Centre.
Mandy and I split up twelve months ago, it was messy and we had loads of rows. It ended when I walked out one night and never went back. Mandy wouldn’t speak to me but she told my best mate that she and the kids hated me and I’d never see them again. I tried phoning, texting and WhatsApp, but she blocked me and I didn’t know what to do. I missed Ben and Nancy so much and I couldn’t believe that they hated me and didn’t want to see me.
A mate at work told me to look at the CAFCASS website for some advice. That pointed me in the right direction and I found a local solicitor who specialised in family law. She suggested that rather than going through the courts that we could try to set up contact at the local Contact Centre. I’d never heard of such a place, but I looked online and found that right here in Shrewsbury there was a safe place where Mandy could take the children and leave them so I could spend time with them.
I expected it to cost a fortune, but for a £50 one off payment we could use the Centre for as long as we needed to. What’s the catch? Why is it so cheap? Simply because it’s managed and run by trained volunteers so there are no wages to pay. It is part of a national organisation of child contact centres and it gets a grant from CAFCASS.
At first Mandy was adamant that the answer was no and it took a lot of persuasion by the solicitor to change her mind. When she was eventually convinced that the kids had a right to see me if it was safe we agreed that we wanted to avoid the huge expense of going through the court which is where we would have ended up if we hadn’t been able to sort something out.
My solicitor filled in the application form which was straightforward and sent it to the Manager / Co-ordinator at Shrewsbury Contact Centre. Then I got a phone call from Val the Manager explaining how the Centre worked. She would need to meet and interview both me and Mandy and then, if everything was okay, she would make arrangements for me to spend an hour on alternate Saturdays with the kids at the Shrewsbury Centre. I’d have to agree to the rules and conditions and because of Covid extra safety precautions were in place and all adults had to wear a mask for the whole visit. We would be allocated a disinfected table and chairs in our own space at the Centre which I learned is held at the United Reformed Church in Shrewsbury. It could be arranged so that Mandy and I don’t even need to meet.
Val explained that the Contact Centre was a place where children could re-engage with the non resident parent, often after a long gap. There would be volunteer staff on hand but the visits would not be supervised. The volunteers are not there to get involved in parents’ disputes, nor to make judgements. They don’t write reports or even tell the other parent how the visit went. So it really is a proper chance for families to spend quality time together.
I was impatient to get started, but it doesn’t work like that. Val had to be sure that there were no safeguarding issues and that both parents were okay about the children coming. She stressed how vital it was that neither parent bad mouthed the other, that visits were for the children and that I should take activities along that they would enjoy. Before Covid the Centre provided toys and children were allowed to run about but now everyone has to stick to the rules to keep safe.
I admit that I was really nervous that first Saturday. As instructed I arrived 15 minutes before time.
I was greeted by a smiling volunteer who pointed a thermometer at my head, motioned me to the hand sanitiser and checked that I knew to keep my mask on. Then a second cheerful volunteer asked me the Covid safeguarding questions – I signed to confirm my answers and a third volunteer guided me to our family table and chairs in the corner of a large, carpeted meeting room. I handed over my one off £50 payment which I paid in cash. I was shaking but the three volunteers on duty were so welcoming, unhurried and reassuring so I managed to keep calm. They made it clear that whilst they wouldn’t be watching over me, they would be on hand if we needed them.
And then the children arrived! Ben ran to me but Nancy hung back at first, the volunteer gave her a reassuring smile and then she ran over to me too. We drew pictures together and did puzzles and stickers with the things I brought. Ben had a helicopter from his favourite tv series and Nancy was making pompoms with the ball of wool she had brought. They chatted non stop telling me about school and how good it was to be back after having been stuck at home for so long. Mummy had had her hair cut and she and Nancy had painted their nails, Nancy was so proud of herself and I realised that in those few months both children had moved on a stage and were growing up.
There weren’t any awkward questions, but I guess those are bound to come. I know I’ve just got to be honest, but in an age appropriate way. Val’s advice that this is about the children and not about Mandy and me is the most important message.
The hour sped by and when the volunteer told me time was nearly up, it was so hard to say goodbye but those hugs meant so much. The children walked out with the volunteer and turned and waved at the door. I fought back the tears and gave them a thumbs up.
There were three other families at the Centre and everyone looked to be enjoying their visits. Next time I will bring different activities and drinks. Yes, it’s early days but the hope is that as the visits take place, slowly a level of trust will develop between Mandy and me and eventually we may be able to make arrangements for me to spend more time away from the Contact Centre with the children. I’ve got my own place so I’m hoping. In the meantime I will take advantage of the fantastic facility that the Shrewsbury Contact Centre provides.
I am incredibly grateful to Val and her band of volunteers for the amazing service they run for families like ours. I guess there are many more dads and mums who have never heard of the Contact Centre, but what a difference it would make if they did.
Nick’s Story
I’m Nick and I’ve got two smashing kids, Ben 5, and Nancy 7 and now I see them every two weeks at Shrewsbury Contact Centre.
Mandy and I split up twelve months ago, it was messy and we had loads of rows. It ended when I walked out one night and never went back. Mandy wouldn’t speak to me but she told my best mate that she and the kids hated me and I’d never see them again. I tried phoning, texting and WhatsApp, but she blocked me and I didn’t know what to do. I missed Ben and Nancy so much and I couldn’t believe that they hated me and didn’t want to see me.
A mate at work told me to look at the CAFCASS website for some advice. That pointed me in the right direction and I found a local solicitor who specialised in family law. She suggested that rather than going through the courts that we could try to set up contact at the local Contact Centre. I’d never heard of such a place, but I looked online and found that right here in Shrewsbury there was a safe place where Mandy could take the children and leave them so I could spend time with them.
I expected it to cost a fortune, but for a £50 one off payment we could use the Centre for as long as we needed to. What’s the catch? Why is it so cheap? Simply because it’s managed and run by trained volunteers so there are no wages to pay. It is part of a national organisation of child contact centres and it gets a grant from CAFCASS.
At first Mandy was adamant that the answer was no and it took a lot of persuasion by the solicitor to change her mind. When she was eventually convinced that the kids had a right to see me if it was safe we agreed that we wanted to avoid the huge expense of going through the court which is where we would have ended up if we hadn’t been able to sort something out.
My solicitor filled in the application form which was straightforward and sent it to the Manager / Co-ordinator at Shrewsbury Contact Centre. Then I got a phone call from Val the Manager explaining how the Centre worked. She would need to meet and interview both me and Mandy and then, if everything was okay, she would make arrangements for me to spend an hour on alternate Saturdays with the kids at the Shrewsbury Centre. I’d have to agree to the rules and conditions and because of Covid extra safety precautions were in place and all adults had to wear a mask for the whole visit. We would be allocated a disinfected table and chairs in our own space at the Centre which I learned is held at the United Reformed Church in Shrewsbury. It could be arranged so that Mandy and I don’t even need to meet.
Val explained that the Contact Centre was a place where children could re-engage with the non resident parent, often after a long gap. There would be volunteer staff on hand but the visits would not be supervised. The volunteers are not there to get involved in parents’ disputes, nor to make judgements. They don’t write reports or even tell the other parent how the visit went. So it really is a proper chance for families to spend quality time together.
I was impatient to get started, but it doesn’t work like that. Val had to be sure that there were no safeguarding issues and that both parents were okay about the children coming. She stressed how vital it was that neither parent bad mouthed the other, that visits were for the children and that I should take activities along that they would enjoy. Before Covid the Centre provided toys and children were allowed to run about but now everyone has to stick to the rules to keep safe.
I admit that I was really nervous that first Saturday. As instructed I arrived 15 minutes before time.
I was greeted by a smiling volunteer who pointed a thermometer at my head, motioned me to the hand sanitiser and checked that I knew to keep my mask on. Then a second cheerful volunteer asked me the Covid safeguarding questions – I signed to confirm my answers and a third volunteer guided me to our family table and chairs in the corner of a large, carpeted meeting room. I handed over my one off £50 payment which I paid in cash. I was shaking but the three volunteers on duty were so welcoming, unhurried and reassuring so I managed to keep calm. They made it clear that whilst they wouldn’t be watching over me, they would be on hand if we needed them.
And then the children arrived! Ben ran to me but Nancy hung back at first, the volunteer gave her a reassuring smile and then she ran over to me too. We drew pictures together and did puzzles and stickers with the things I brought. Ben had a helicopter from his favourite tv series and Nancy was making pompoms with the ball of wool she had brought. They chatted non stop telling me about school and how good it was to be back after having been stuck at home for so long. Mummy had had her hair cut and she and Nancy had painted their nails, Nancy was so proud of herself and I realised that in those few months both children had moved on a stage and were growing up.
There weren’t any awkward questions, but I guess those are bound to come. I know I’ve just got to be honest, but in an age appropriate way. Val’s advice that this is about the children and not about Mandy and me is the most important message.
The hour sped by and when the volunteer told me time was nearly up, it was so hard to say goodbye but those hugs meant so much. The children walked out with the volunteer and turned and waved at the door. I fought back the tears and gave them a thumbs up.
There were three other families at the Centre and everyone looked to be enjoying their visits. Next time I will bring different activities and drinks. Yes, it’s early days but the hope is that as the visits take place, slowly a level of trust will develop between Mandy and me and eventually we may be able to make arrangements for me to spend more time away from the Contact Centre with the children. I’ve got my own place so I’m hoping. In the meantime I will take advantage of the fantastic facility that the Shrewsbury Contact Centre provides.
I am incredibly grateful to Val and her band of volunteers for the amazing service they run for families like ours. I guess there are many more dads and mums who have never heard of the Contact Centre, but what a difference it would make if they did.
